My sincere thanks to those of you who took the time to comment on the opening. I really appreciated the feedback. I wish all the participants the very best of luck!
~ Melora
Shelley Watters & Awesomeness
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Ben and Melora Bell
Shelley Watters, romance writer extraordinaire, is having a contest for First 250 Words. It will be judged by Judith Engracia of Liza Dawson and Associates. For further information: Shelley Watters Made of Awesome Contest
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Le Collier Diabolique
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18 comments:
What a dynamic opening! I want to find out more about Rissa and her scars. I love the Egyptian setting and you describe it so well, I can almost smell the place. I like Rissa's grudging sense of responsibility for her brother and I can't wait to find out who the old man is lying on the floor.
I'd read on in a heartbeat!
i feel like the first sentence isn't essential..you describe the scene great when she is in egypt and people are staring her way. that sentence got me interested, and explained a lot with just a few words. the rest is interesting, but i feel the first few paragraphs cover too much ground and gets a little muddied. i want to know more about the main character and the scars before going off to find the brother...good work though because i am going to wonder what the deal is with the body and the scars until i read more!
douglas esper
http://www.douglasesper.com
This was really amazing, and in third person too! It drew me right in, the setting is richly painted, and the hook at the end has me craving more. There's intrigue with her character and the scars on her arm and the tension of needing to find her brother. Really got the mystery/suspense feeling from this.
I don't know if I can adequately express how much I love your opening line. I am hooked. It is a really strong opening.
some of the lines jumped around--from the normies, sophie singing, to andy suddenly missing. a better flow throughout would be great. i would've liked a little more so i feel attached to the characters before they landed themselves with trouble. but i liked it in general, and you have a great first two lines.
A hook sentence that gets you to ask "What are Normies?" Then, your mind kicks in with possible answers, teasing you to go on. And leave it to your kid brother to get you into trouble! Get job, Roland
Yes - I am intrigued right from the beginning. You effectively establish tone, setting, voice in this first page. I love her description of Sophie. I want to know more about the scars and the Normies - although if you start the page with them, I should probably hear a little more about them before the end of the first page. My only other suggestion - and this is just my style of writing - as the intensity picks up towards the end, use shorter sentences. I would have liked to seen some in that second to last paragraph. But overall fabulous. I would definitely want to read more.
The descriptions are beautiful, and I was drawn to the setting, wondering why they're at a resort in Egypt. I liked Rissa tugging her shirtsleeves to hide her scars, because we know this is what makes her different from the other guests. It would be nice if you explained that Andy is her brother earlier, because I was confused until I read that line. I'm curious to know what was in the bushes, and what makes her family different from the "normies" nice work!
Intriguing opening scene. Consider looking for ways to rid yourself of a few "was" occurences.
Nicely done!
All I can say is, WOW! Great opening going on here. I so want to know what's coming through those bushes. This is great!
This is a really fantastic opening! The scars are interesting, and I really want to know what's through the open door.
This is good, thanks for sharing and good luck with it!
Only one quick "food for thought" comment - "Even in an Egyptian resort where everyone was a stranger, she was the strangest." didn't quite work for me. It works for setting - Egyptian resort - but I don't like the meaning of "stranger" being compared to "strangest" for some reason. No biggie, but maybe you could say "Even in a crowd of strangers at an Egyptian resort, she stood out." ??
erica
I love it! I'd keep reading :)
This is great, and the tension at the end was well executed... now I want to know what happens next, you've got me hooked. I'd love to know why she is the strangest in the first line.
Best of luck, this is awesome.
I really like the strangest amongst strangers line - its probably one of the best I've seen in a long time ^_^ In fact I think you've got a great opening overall. The only thing that stood out to me was 'showed huge cleavage'...something about that is too...i think dispassionate maybe. More like its a check box on a list than something Rissa feels strongly about. I think just a little modification would fix it.
Overall, I'm totally hooked ^_^
Thanks so much for all the great feedback! I'm feeling more secure with it now.
I had changed the Sophie part to: "enjoyed showing off cleavage", but it sat in my stomach like a stone until I changed it back again. It's supposed to be a funny line, and too many words weaken the comedy. I guess funny is in the eye of the beholder.
Hi, Melona,
This is great. Being a more avid realistic fiction reader, I often stumble over paranormal novel beginnings. Not the case here! :) There is just the right amount of action and tension -- I know that's a hard thing to accomplish in this genre. Everything is smooth and gorgeous and clear. I instantly like and worry for Rissa and I definitely want to read on.
Good job!
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Jody
I have to echo Melona's comment. You may be converting me! :-)
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