Excerpt: Romantic Scene

Posted by Ben and Melora Bell on Sunday, June 12, 2011
For Gabriela's Love All Year Long contest, judged by Weronika Janczuk, I submitted an excerpt from my manuscript. Although the novel is action/adventure, there are a few romantic scenes between the heroine and the hero. I learned a lot and had a wonderful time participating.


Thank you to those who were kind enough to leave feedback. 
-- Melora



12 comments:

Kate Larkindale
June 12, 2011 at 4:11 AM

What a fun scene! Windsurfing is so difficult, it makes a perfect backdrop to a scene like this, full of complex interpersonal relationships and difficult emotions. My heart aches for Rissa, having to watch another girl flirt and toy with the boy she likes.

I like that we never get any real indication how Rutgar feels. He whispers intimately into her ear, but he also doesn't push Jazz away....

 
tfwalsh
June 12, 2011 at 9:23 AM

I love scenes where the boy is teaching the girl something, and she is way too distracted by her hots for him... always grabs me right in and I want to keep writing. Your characters are strong and leap off the page - will Rutgar ever return her feelings? Great hook and romance teaser. I saw nothing that needed attention - I liked it all.

 
Cyndy Aleo
June 12, 2011 at 9:34 AM

Jealous! I have exactly zero crit on this. I love how you manage to explain how everything works without infodumping all over the reader, and in just a few words, you give me enough of the characters that I want to smack Jazz. Perfect!

 
Jodine Turner
June 12, 2011 at 6:14 PM

Loved this line, lots of double meaning!...He dropped his lips to her ear and whispered. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”

Your depiction of Jazz had me disliking her in just a few sentences of description - well done.
Your writing allowed your story to flow, I was barely aware of critiqueing!

 
thetroublewithtwentytwo
June 12, 2011 at 8:48 PM

I love this scene! I identified with Rissa's character and love that she is independent enough not to use the ploy of needing to be rescued. Great scene and Jazz is so annoying!! (in a good way, haha) No critique from me, it's great.

 
Loralie Hall
June 12, 2011 at 9:46 PM

Awesomeness - I can tell you've tightened your prose and you've got such a great range of character emotion. The lust, the envy, and in the midst of action. Great job ^_^ No suggestions.

 
Margay
June 13, 2011 at 3:07 AM

Very nice set up! Kind of weird reading it because I call one of my daughters Rissa (short for Marissa), but it was a good scene.

 
Nicole M. White-
June 13, 2011 at 5:39 AM

I like the action of learning to sail mixed in with Rissa's awareness of Rutgar. Also like the fact she doesn't resort to playing games. One picky thing I'd ditch the first NO in the following sentence.Rutgar chuckled. “No, it’s not. No worries.” I'd like to read more.

 
M.J. Schiller
June 13, 2011 at 7:21 PM

Loved it, too! ONLY thing I had trouble with was Jazz calling him "Rudy". Guess I just didn't know this was a nickname for Rutgar, (an unusual name). Threw me off for a little while, but you probably set that up in the full MS.

 
Gabriela Lessa
June 14, 2011 at 3:13 PM

Hey. Haven't received your email with your entry. Are you entering?

 
Emailman
July 12, 2011 at 11:34 PM

This has nothing to do with your blog post, but I've just been playing with your pets LOL Did you know you can grab hold of them and chuck them around? haha!! Sorry for abusing your cyber pets, but it was fun! :D

 
Kate Larkindale
July 30, 2011 at 11:44 PM

I know you don't check this blog often, but I've given you an award for it anyway! Just 'cos I love you...

 

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